Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
IOC Announces Pacific Garbage Patch To Host 2032 Games
The International Olympic Committee announced this week in a landmark decision that the 2032 Summer Olympics has been awarded to the vast accumulation of man-made debris floating in the ocean
Report: Table Tennis Player Still Not Hooking Up With Anyone At Olympic Village
Despite having lots of game on the miniaturized tennis court, one table tennis player has whiffed time and again in his attempts to hook up with the usually sexually indiscriminate
Top 10 Slovenian Basketball Players To Watch In This Year’s Olympics
The world is on pins and needles waiting to see what the mighty monsters of the Slovenia men’s national basketball team will do to the competition in the Olympics. Look
Opinion: Sure, This Five-Time Olympic Gold Medalist Is Good, But Is He ‘Convince Me To Eat Subway’ Good?
While catching up on my shows last weekend, during a commercial break I saw an ad for Subway sandwiches featuring five-time Olympic gold medalist, Nathan Vera—arguably one of the best
Impressive Display From Olympics Archery Competition Inspires Local Man To Finally Buy A Gun
Following an incredible display of marksmanship from the world’s best archers during the Summer Olympics, local man Burt McKinley, who long felt it unnecessary to acquire a contraption that fires
Michael Phelps Devastated To Learn His Child Was Born Too Proportionate To Be A Swimmer
Michael Phelps received devastating news this past week that his infant son was born far too proportionate to ever compete at the highest level of swimming. Doctors say Michael Fred
Five Drinking Games The IOC Should Add To Spice Up The Summer Olympics
Every four years we get the same old events for the summer Olympics, and after a millennium or two, it’s gotten a bit stale. However, one thing that never gets old
Hear Us Out: Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball But My Awkward 15-Year-Old Cousin Doesn’t Excuse Himself To Go To His Room After The First Five Minutes
Imagine you’re watching women’s Olympic beach volleyball but keep getting interrupted by a teenager with a history of constantly entering and exiting the room any time there’s an extreme closeup
China Requests IOC Provide Separate Olympic Ghetto For Uighur Athletes
Following disturbing reports of the Uyghur ethnic group being subjected to forced disappearances, torture, and reeducation through labor, China has kindly requested the International Olympic Committee accommodate the persecuted athletes
