China Requests IOC Provide Separate Olympic Ghetto For Uighur Athletes

Following disturbing reports of the Uyghur ethnic group being subjected to forced disappearances, torture, and reeducation through labor, China has kindly requested the International Olympic Committee accommodate the persecuted athletes by providing them with a separate Olympic ghetto for their own protection.

Uyghur camp commander Li Jun led China’s request to the IOC. “For security’s sake, we propose the Uyghur people build the ghetto themselves to limit their contact with potentially dangerous outsiders,” Jun wrote in his formal request. “The Chinese government will generously provide its army to supervise and ensure that only Uyghur people are working on the project.”

Jun expects the Uyghurs will be thankful to the IOC if allowed their separate accommodations. “We can’t do anything less for these vulnerable people. That’s why the state-of-the-art ghetto will feature freshly mined asbestos insulation and a galvanized steel fence with the sharpest barbed wire in the world. Security is our number-one priority,” Jin wrote, adding that closed circuit televisions will be installed to make certain no unauthorized personnel enter or exit the premises.

The Chinese Ministry of Security has also suggested assigning unique identification numbers to the athletes in order to easily track all movement to and from the games, to make sure no athletes disappear in transport. “We want them to feel just like they’re at home,” Jin said.

Asked his opinion on the proposal, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said that it was irresponsible to jeopardize a persecuted people’s safety by allowing them to leave their native country’s borders, and explained that’s why he keeps his people safe in ghettos at home.