Hear Us Out: Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball But My Awkward 15-Year-Old Cousin Doesn’t Excuse Himself To Go To His Room After The First Five Minutes

Imagine you’re watching women’s Olympic beach volleyball but keep getting interrupted by a teenager with a history of constantly entering and exiting the room any time there’s an extreme closeup of the athletes. It’s super annoying, so hear us out: let’s have women’s Olympic beach volleyball without my awkward 15-year-old cousin excusing themself to go to his room after the first five minutes.  

Can you picture the grace of the women of Brazil vs the women of Argentina? Isn’t it spectacular when the Brazilians complete a flawless bump-set-bump-and-over and a sweaty, flush faced teen in the throes of puberty doesn’t reemerge from their room without warning?  

The chance to witness the historic win for the Brazilians and watching the two women share a long, cathartic embrace is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Now imagine witnessing it without your cousin, holding a pillow, sneaking back to their room. That would be nirvana.  

Not sold yet? What if he isn’t gone really long this time? What if, when he returns, he doesn’t ask if his left forearm seems to have more muscle mass than his right or if it looks like he is growing hair on his palms?  What if one glance at the Swedish team doesn’t send him right back to his room?  

All we’re saying is, if you’re watching women’s Olympic beach volleyball with someone else and decide to step away, have the decency to tell them how long you are going to be gone and announce yourself when you return so they can enjoy the sport as it was intended—alone while masturbating.