Michael Phelps Devastated To Learn His Child Was Born Too Proportionate To Be A Swimmer

Michael Phelps received devastating news this past week that his infant son was born far too proportionate to ever compete at the highest level of swimming.

Doctors say Michael Fred Phelps III was tragically born without the deformities necessary to be a world-class swimmer like his father, who comes from a long line of deformed humanoids who excel in the water. Instead of the long torso, barrel chest, teensy legs, Stretch Armstrong wingspan, and shovel hands required of an Olympic swimmer, Phelps III was born with ideal human ratios.

“Quite frankly, I’ve never seen a baby this perfectly proportionate,” said Dr. Leonard Beall, who noted Phelps III had the most severe case of Infantitis Adonisus that he had ever seen, adding that the baby might, in fact, be the “perfect human specimen.”

When met with the news, Michael Phelps reportedly screamed “MY BABY’S A FREAK!” and overturned a gurney in anger before slumping down a wall, crying. All efforts to comfort the grieving father proved fruitless, according to hospital staff.

“We told him his son would go on to live the life of a high-end model or hunky football star, and—at a minimum—he’d always be able to elegantly float,” said labor and delivery nurse, Terry Khan, “but he just kept repeating ‘MY SON’S A FREAK! HE’LL NEVER RACE A SHARK NOW!’”

Since the birth, sources close to the Olympic swimmer say that he has been slowly coming to terms with his son’s flawless condition, but that he still blames himself. “If only I hadn’t married Miss California,” Phelps has been telling friends repeatedly, noting his wife’s long legs and dainty physique evened out his short legs and other malformed features.

Reached for comment, Phelps said he’ll still love his son no matter what, as long as he wins 23 gold medals.