Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
“Female Bobby Knight” Smashes Glass Ceiling With Chair
Move over Pat Summit, there’s a new female NCAA coach on the scene that’s not only making waves with her victories, but leaving a trail of destroyed furniture and physical
Partisan Sports Fan Not Focused On What’s Best For Both Teams
Roger Carlson is like millions of other middle-class sports fans. He enjoys a good plate of wings, a cold beer, and keeps up to date with the news. But, unlike
Heartwarming: NBA Contact Tracing Is Revealing That All NBA Players Are Best Friends With Each Other And Hang Out All The Time
The COVID-19 pandemic has forced millions of friends and family to isolate themselves from one another, but that hasn’t stopped professional athletes from defying the odds and getting even closer.
Massive Spike In Mets’ World Series Betting Odds Linked Back To Single Sarcastic Reddit Comment
The world of sports betting was thrown a massive curveball recently, and while the recent spike in betting on the Mets’ winning the World Series may have seemed random, research
City Of Tampa Celebrates Newfound National Sports Success By Finally Getting Around To Building Hospital
After winning championships in both hockey and football, Tampa Bay wasted no time in building its first hospital for their 3.2 million residents. “We got the football thing figured out,
Villanova, Gonzaga, And Other Gibberish Words We Accept As A Society In March
Can someone please clue me in? It’s March, and I once again find myself baffled by my coworkers using gibberish words like ‘Villanova’ and ‘Gonzaga’ that society just seems to
Cleverness Of Vegas Knights Wearing Off
Failing to hide their shame, the so-called marketing gurus from Golden Vision Inc, who coined the name for the NHL expansion team in Las Vegas, the Golden Knights, have collectively
If We Let College Athletes Get Paid Now, Won’t They Just Ask For Dignity Later?
It’s been a hot topic of debate for many years: should college athletes be paid? As a prominent booster for the distinguished University of Vanderbilt football program, this is something
Holy Fuck: No. 9 See Beats No. 8 Seed
It’s only the first fucking weekend and we already have our ‘oh fuck’ moment of this in-fucking-sane tournament after nine seed Oklahoma State’s fucking monumental upset over eight seed Oklahoma.
