Orphanages Overrun By Calls For Chess Prodigies

Following the popularity of Netflix’s ‘The Queen’s Gambit,’ orphanages around the globe have been flooded with barren and fertile couples alike in search of their own orphan chess prodigy like series lead, Beth Harmon.

“It’s like Black Friday here, with people breaking down the doors and rummaging through our inventory,” said Eliza Fitzmayer, headmistress of a Louisville, Kentucky orphanage. “They scour the place asking, ‘where’s all the ones that play chess? Any of them addicted to tranquilizers?’ and ‘bonus if she’s kind of a glamor puss.’ I remind them this is an orphanage not Build-A-Bear.”

But despite the protestations from staff, couples have not relented in their pursuit of an up-and-coming world champion that, they assume, can only be parentless and emotionally tortured.

“There was one kid who played chess but she seemed too emotionally stable so we passed, ” Mark Contrelle said of one congenial orphan who he and his wife took on a test drive in the park to play speed chess. “We need our orphan to be gritty, cynical, and hardened by parental instability. They should have their ‘Sicilian Defense’ up when they meet people.”

With the influx of interest, many orphanages are taking the opportunity to highlight other children up for adoption.

“No, we don’t want your checkers prodigy or tennis phenom,” prospective parent Jillian Matthews said. “If I wanted some kid who blows at chess, I’d have my own. The endgame is to find one just like in ‘The Queen’s Gambit,’ but we’re in kind of at a stalemate.”

At press time, Russian orphanages are responding to demand by organizing chess tournaments for defective orphans. Winners will be adopted and losers will be destroyed.