Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Dad Comes Alive During Sports Section Of Trivial Pursuit
Suddenly taking interest in the match after zoning out during the first hour and a half of the National Trivial Pursuit Championship, this Thursday local dad Patrick Gilson propelled his
Ragtag Group Of Fun-Loving Misfits Absolutely Destroyed By Rich, Athletic Kids
A ragtag group of fun-loving misfits from the wrong side of the tracks was handedly destroyed by a team of rich, athletic kids during last Saturday’s 12-Year-Old Division Little League
Suspicious New Tour De France Route Includes Path Through Steroid Factory
The illustrious Tour De France is underway once again and showing why it’s still the tour de force of cycling, though this year, some have found it suspicious that this
MLS Commissioner: “We Need At Least Twenty More People Watching For This To Be Worth It”
After attracting a record-breaking thirteen fans per game in the past two seasons, the nation’s favorite professional male-only American soccer league is in financial ruin. “We need at least twenty
Boxer Takes Issue With All Opponent’s Life Experiences Thus Far
During the press conference for the upcoming WBO Cruiserweight Title Bout, challenger Torrey Hawkins voiced his disapproval for each and every one of champion Rueben Flores’ life experiences. Hawkins proceeded
Genius Comedian, Provocateur Calls Sports “Sportsball”
Stand-up comic Jake Tauer absolutely skewered the wild world of sports during his set Saturday night when he referred to all athletic competitions as “sportsball.” The ever-enlightened social satirist completely
Goliath Still Trying To Live Down Only Loss
Although nearly 3,000 years have passed since he last took the battlefield, Goliath, former Champion of the Philistines, is still haunted by the ghosts of his biblically infamous loss in
Ref Thought He Would Hang With Players More
Saying that he never would have taken the position had he known how lonely it would be, NBA official Mark Glazer admitted to reporters gathered outside the Dallas Mavericks locker
Alabama Outlaws Gay Wrestling
Voting to remove the toxic influence of homosexuality from its proud sports culture, the Alabama legislature today unanimously approved a bill to outlaw all gay wrestling. “This historic legislation is
