MLS Commissioner: “We Need At Least Twenty More People Watching For This To Be Worth It”

After attracting a record-breaking thirteen fans per game in the past two seasons, the nation’s favorite professional male-only American soccer league is in financial ruin.

“We need at least twenty more people watching for this to be worth it,” Don Garber, the Major League Soccer Commissioner, told reporters today. He added that although viewership consistently hits the low teens, the league needs to a little over double that mark to reach their fiscal breakeven point of twenty viewers.

Top sponsors, including local newspapers, a travel agency, and the county’s most hardened toll booth operator unions, have all dropped their deals with MLS.

Without MLS fiscal independence soon, Garber will likely have to move his family back into his parent’s unfinished basement and return to his previous line of work.

“I had a career. I was almost shift manager at the Village Inn,” he said, adding that he regrets trading in his used PS5 to buy himself into the MLS in the first place. “I wasted so much time on the MLS when I could have learned a new language, seen my children, or taught myself guitar.”

Not to be defeated, Garber has since unveiled a three-step plan to garner an additional seventeen to nineteen viewers. First, MLS will purchase 12 wacky wavy inflatable arm flailing tube men from surrounding Toyota dealerships. Then, MLS players will legally changing their names to International soccer players’ names. Finally, if fans purchase a ticket, MLS will stream a local NBA or NFL game on the jumbotron to completely drown out the live soccer match.