Ref Thought He Would Hang With Players More

Saying that he never would have taken the position had he known how lonely it would be, NBA official Mark Glazer admitted to reporters gathered outside the Dallas Mavericks locker room on Monday that he had honestly expected to have more chances to hang out with the players as a referee.

Members of all 32 NBA teams have consistently rejected Glazer’s offers to get drinks, go bowling, or join him for one-on-one dinners at his apartment.

“I couldn’t convince Quincy Pondexter to come to my daughter’s baptism, and he doesn’t even get in-game minutes,” he said, adding that concert tickets would have probably been a safer bet.

Although reporters were unable to find any NBA players who knew Glazer by name, when shown an image of the 52-year-old, several athletes vaguely recognized him.

“I think he’s a front office guy for the Magic,” said Philadelphia center Joel Embiid. “No, that’s not right. Is he a trainer or something?”

Glazer says he always gives preferential treatment to certain players in the hopes that it will improve his odds of kicking it with them later, whether it’s at the player’s birthday party, wedding, or even funeral of a close relative.

If fixing games doesn’t spark friendship, Glazer plans to spy on opponents’ huddles and relay plays to his friendship targets. And although he has neither seen nor spoken to his loving wife in months, Glazer refuses to give up on his dream of one day chilling with an NBA player.

“I’ve got a good feeling about this new class of rookies. A couple of them even accepted my Instagram follow request.”