Goliath Still Trying To Live Down Only Loss

Although nearly 3,000 years have passed since he last took the battlefield, Goliath, former Champion of the Philistines, is still haunted by the ghosts of his biblically infamous loss in one of Earth’s earliest upsets.

“I wasn’t even supposed to fight,” said Goliath, who maintains that when he issued the public challenge for Single Combat, he expected to be fighting the lower-ranked Saul, King of the Israelites, and not unknown rookie free-agent, David.

“I was 156-0 at beating people to death going into that fight. But when someone’s first move is a slingshot line drive right at your forehead, and when you’re stunned, KO’s you? There’s just no way to prepare for that.”

The unexpected result, which turned David into a household name for centuries, now defines Goliath’s career. The ensuing humiliation and influx of death threats drove Goliath and his kind into a deep hiding for three millennia.

But Goliath has now returned to public life and runs a consultancy firm aimed at helping high-profile disgraces regain their confidence.

“My first clients were Bill Buckner and then Steve Bartman,” he said. “But when I worked with the 2007 Patriots, I knew that I helped them realize things do get better, and that’s worth more to me than winning a battle over some holy land, 100 times out of 100.”

When asked if he would consider a rematch against David, Goliath said no, but wished to thank his old opponent for defeating him so resoundingly that it forced him into a much more fulfilling line of work.