Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
This Doctor Just Told Michael Jordan He Couldn’t Live Past 150 And MJ Is Pissed
Michael Jordan, storming out of his doctor’s office, was furious at the news given to him. His doctor, clearly unaware of what Jordan has accomplished, told the six time champion
Base Jumper Saves Parents Thousands On Casket
Recent college graduate Ethan Swanson gave an early retirement present to his parents yesterday when the 22-year-old novice BASE jumper accidentally plunged to his death at the Grand Canyon, in
Phoenix GM Addresses Rumors That Suns Could Be Leaving In 5 Billion Years
Phoenix Suns GM James Jones held a press conference today to address rumors that the Suns might be departing the city, and known universe, in five billion years. “The Suns
Section 310 Forced To Sit And Watch As Section 311 Wins Free Chipotle For A Month
Halftime. Last night. The big game. Fans were completely enthralled and entrenched in a game they’ve all been waiting for and came together as one to cheer for the home
Rags-To-Riches Skateboarding Phenom Recalls Practicing In Empty Above-Ground Swimming Pool
Although her life is now filled with only the finest of hand-crafted cement bowls, pro skateboarder Emily Nakahara’s claims she never would have become skating’s ‘Grand Governess Of Gunite’ were
Shaq Accidentally Tears Down Backboard In Red Lobster Bathroom
Staff and patrons alike were shocked on Tuesday when Shaquille O’Neal completely tore down the backboard of a toilet while going for two. “I was serving biscuits when I heard
Meet The Billy Beane Of Archery
Fresh out of Oakland, California, bow-jockeys and fletch-heads across the country are going crazy for a new and unlikely hero, whom many have already crowned the “Billy Beane” of competitive
Player Faces Disciplinary Action After Basketball Hits Mom’s Car
After violating league rules Saturday by hitting mom’s 2018 Honda Odyssey with a basketball, the Herro household has imposed strict disciplinary actions on 16-year-old Tyler. Despite Tyler’s claims that “it
Amazing: This Former Olympian Found A Job
In a stunning and rare turn of events, a former Olympian has landed a job despite having no skills or training applicable to the real world. Following the footsteps of
