Phoenix GM Addresses Rumors That Suns Could Be Leaving In 5 Billion Years

Phoenix Suns GM James Jones held a press conference today to address rumors that the Suns might be departing the city, and known universe, in five billion years.

“The Suns aren’t going anywhere anytime soon,” Jones said evasively of the 52-year-old franchise and producers of 3.8 x 1033 ergs of power-per-second. “The team is in its most stable phase since its inception roughly 4.5 billion years ago. And we have lots of energy left to burn, as the league found out last year—200 32 -grams-of-hydrogen worth!”

Though Jones’ words failed to clarify the team’s long-term goals, they did shed light on the team’s near future. “You can plan on the Suns expanding 256 times its current size, which is already one million times the size of the Earth, at which point you’ll witness the absorption of all nearby planets, planetary objects, and NBA teams,” Jones said, before adding, “we have a bright, blazingly intense future ahead of us.”

Sports scientists, however, warn this strategy can only lead to a spectacular burnout. “If the Suns get too big, the immense pressure will cause an internal collapse, leaving in its wake a white dwarf—and I’m not talking about J.J. Barea,” said Phoenix physicist Robert Sotelo.

Regardless, fans remain optimistic about the coming season in spite of recent news that promising young center Deandre Ayton has gone supernova and exploded.