Shaq Accidentally Tears Down Backboard In Red Lobster Bathroom

Staff and patrons alike were shocked on Tuesday when Shaquille O’Neal completely tore down the backboard of a toilet while going for two. “I was serving biscuits when I heard the loudest crash. I didn’t even know those could break!” said shift manager Kaylee Winters, noting that the toilets were built to withstand up to 300 pounds. 

The incident occurred after Shaq went for 28 fried shrimp in the first half of his meal, then deftly maneuvered past guests waiting to use the toilet. “Listen, I didn’t want to commit a party foul so I drove straight to the hole,” said O’Neal, while a bathroom attendant came in and swept the floor. “When I’m in the zone, I’m only thinking about slamming it in there.”

“They don’t build bathrooms for someone that strong. He’ll ruin the game if he keeps playing that way,” said the men’s bathroom attendant, speculating that he needs triple-ply toilet paper. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.” 

While O’Neal left a generous tip, some at Red Lobster corporate are saying that Shaq should be made to pay for these shattered toilets, noting that this was the third such incident, after destroying facilities in New Jersey earlier this LobsterFest season. “One time the stall even came down,” said a rep from their corporate office, who says he’s still a fan. “They might allow you to get away with stuff like this in LA, but it won’t fly in Orlando.”