Amazing: This Former Olympian Found A Job

In a stunning and rare turn of events, a former Olympian has landed a job despite having no skills or training applicable to the real world.

Following the footsteps of his mentor Michael Phelps, Alex Schipper, a member of USA’s 2018 cross country skiing team, was hired to work in the front office of a metal fabrication company, even though he had never held a similar job—or any job—before. Amazing!

“I spent all waking hours of my youth training. I’ve never so much as mowed a lawn or held a paper route,” Schipper told reporters. “The resume I submitted was just a piece of paper with my name on it.”

Nonetheless, the HR manager who hired Schipper was impressed by the former Olympian’s interview answers. 

“He said his strengths were going eight straight hours without stopping to pee and working in cold, suboptimal conditions. Sounds like the perfect employee to me,” Hubert Geigger, the company’s HR Manager, said, noting the company’s Dickensian working conditions. “Also, his reference was Bob Costas, which was neat.”

As for Schipper’s weaknesses, Geigger said “skiing downhill” would not be a major responsibility of the job.

For his part, Schipper is happy to be employed and part of a team again, something that 97.5% of his Olympic athlete peers cannot claim, as the majority lack the skills for entry-level positions or even black market crime.

“I’m ready to go for the gold as an employee,” Schipper said after signing the national anthem at his desk, “and I look forward to every four years when—I assume—we have wild sex with our coworkers.”