Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Jim Harbaugh Shows Team What It Means To Be A Charger By Hooking Car Battery To Nipples
Standing shirtless in the facility’s parking prior to Friday’s Chiefs/Chargers matchup, Head Coach Jim Harbaugh attached car battery clamps to his nipples in order to demonstrate to his team what
Trump Reminds Foreign Tennis Stars ‘U.S. Open’ Just The Name Of The Tournament
Donald Trump clarified today that the U.S. Open is exactly what it sounds like: a tennis tournament. Nothing more, nothing less. Speaking to reporters outside the White House, Trump reminded
Jordan Hudson’s Relationship Loaded With Incentives And Guaranteed Money
With UNC coach Bill Belichick’s recent acquisition of GF Jordon Hudson, it has been disclosed to Sports Riot that the terms of this relationship will be 7 years and worth
How To Cast Level 5 Magic Spells During Your Fantasy Football Draft
The NFL’s quest for ratings domination has led to a burgeoning fan base of dungeon masters, all excitedly polishing their wands for fantasy football. Newcomers might worry they don’t know
Kevin Stefanski Confident That Browns Will Know Week 1 Starting Quarterback by Week 6
Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski told reporters Monday that, while the season opener is just weeks away, he is “extremely confident” the team will identify its Week 1 starting quarterback
Fantasy Drafter Accused Of Performance Enhancing Sobriety
Fantasy league commissioner confirmed Tuesday that Pittsburgh-area resident Brian Sternik has been participating in drafts completely alcohol-free, a violation of the sacred, unwritten covenant of fantasy football. Competitors insist sobriety
Report: Shortstop Spends Countless Hours Looking For Shortstop Base
Rookie shortstop Cal Vega of the Everett (WA) Aquasox has spent significant time this season searching for what he calls the “shortstop base.” Vega, who began playing late in high
Hear Us Out: Do Away With Catchers And Just Let The Ball Hit The Ump
We’ve all been there: bottom of the 6th, down $80 betting on the jumbotron hat game, home team losing by 4 and the ump calls an obvious slider down the
Stadium Vendor Unsuccessfully Attempts To Start ‘Hot Dogs!’ Chant
Seen but not heard. That’s the unspoken credo of the hot dog vendor. Get the meat to the people without disrupting the game. Unless you’re Ed “Big Dog” Miller, it’s
