Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Is America Not In Europe Enough For Formula 1 Snobs?
Despite the fact that Formula 1 has been acquiring more and more fans in the United States, any blue-blooded, Coors-Light-shotgunning American who’s ever tried to get into the sport can
Pitcher’s Parents Worried Son Experimenting With Cutter
After bursting in on their son watching an illicit video and gripping a baseball in that unmistakable way, parents of a high school baseball star are worried their son has
American Family Field Vows To Crack Down On Sober Fans
Following a statewide referendum in support of public decency, today the Milwaukee Brewers declared their commitment to cracking down on sober fans. Although only a handful of sober fans have
Local Man’s Divorce Brought To Him By FanDuel
Hey fans, if you love custody battles, listen up! The county sheriff has served local man Jackson DeCamp with a robust stack of divorce papers today brought to him by
Switch Hitting Outlawed Under New Georgia Bill
Following weeks of intense debate between originalists and batting activists, Georgia lawmakers today passed a sweeping piece of legislation that outlaws switch-hitting. A 34-22 vote ensures batting averages for 3.5%
45-Year-Old Caddy Swore This Would Just Be A Summer Job
Despite swearing that his job at Ridge Country Club would only be for the summer in between freshman and sophomore year in high school, friends of Chet Richards say the
Does MJ At 58 Still Have What It Takes To Punch Steve Kerr?
Look, we get it. The man is 58 years old. He hasn’t played professional basketball since 2003. Decades of smoking cigars and drinking whiskey have turned him soft and doughy.
That’s Weird: Why Hasn’t This Raiders Fan Stabbed Me Yet?
I’ve come totally prepared. It’s Sunday, I’m at a bar in Las Vegas, and there’s a Raiders fan sitting right next to me. Now, there are always variables in any
LeBron Lives Up To ‘King James’ Nickname By Releasing His Own Authorized Version Of The Bible
LeBron James announced today in a press conference held on the parapets of his new $36.75 million castle in Los Angeles that he has taken his talents to biblical scholarship
