Is America Not In Europe Enough For Formula 1 Snobs?

Despite the fact that Formula 1 has been acquiring more and more fans in the United States, any blue-blooded, Coors-Light-shotgunning American who’s ever tried to get into the sport can tell you that us freedom-lovers are about as welcome as an income tax in Monaco.  So it’s time to ask all of F1-dom: what gives? Are we not “in Europe” enough for you snobs?

Why don’t you tell us where in the Magna Carta or whatever France laughably calls a “constitution” it says that our cars, our homicidal drivers, and our deep-fried-concession-loving fans aren’t good enough for your races? 

Not to mention our roads: Are we supposed to believe that, with over 164,000 miles of glorious, diesel-choked highway, you people voluntarily choose to spend your time narrowly avoiding a bunch of spandexed, bike-racing Belgian soy boys while winding your way around the Ardennes?  (And spare us the “scenic beauty” BS, Europe: we have a ton of that crap in our own country, so we know firsthand that no one actually appreciates it.)

And remember World War II? You certainly weren’t holding your noses at our driving when we Americans hardcore penetrated our way into France with our M4 Sherman line tanks, blasting whatever the 1940s equivalent of Poison’s “Rock You Like A Hurricane” was. But now, God forbid we place our beloved Dodge Caravans next to your Mercedes AMG F1 W11 EQ Power Pluses, or try and stick our 100%-beef-fed Roman Reigns in a seat next to your adorable little 160-pound Max Verstappens.

Basically, Europe, we know you think we’re the Lewis Hamilton of the world, but just because we dropped you like McLaren, that’s no reason to treat us like yesterday’s biscuits and gravy. So any time you wanna stop watching Vettel tank a qualifying while sipping your fancy, frufru wine, feel free to grab a stack of M80 fireworks, a copy of Jeff Gordon’s legendary 1997 Daytona 500 finish, and whatever’s left of your testicles, and come let America show you how to race.