Pitcher’s Parents Worried Son Experimenting With Cutter

After bursting in on their son watching an illicit video and gripping a baseball in that unmistakable way, parents of a high school baseball star are worried their son has been experimenting with a cutter and other non-straight pitches.

The revelation came as a shock to the conservative parents of 15 year-old varsity pitcher Jackson O’Connor. “In this household we only throw fastballs. One to two seams max. Four after you’re married. Straight, powerful, right down the middle,” said Jackson’s father, Kenneth O’Connor, in red-faced anger. “No curves, slurves, splitters, sliders, or any of the wacky stuff that defies the natural laws of physics. We are Christians.”

Kenneth and his wife Kimberly wonder if Jackson’s experimentation has been a solo adventure thus far or if he has tried out what he’s learned with other boys. “Who knows what’s been going on between Jackson and his catcher friend. They’re always together,” Kimberly told reporters through tears. “That boy can squat for hours when he’s practicing with Jackson.”

Kimberly also blames herself for her son’s flexible pitching style, noting she taught Jackson how to pitch underhand when he was very young. “I think that confused him,” Kimberly said. “It’s all my fault.”

Though it’s unclear which pitching preference Jackson will ultimately settle into, his parents are only allowing fastballs while he lives under their roof. “And if he wants to try something not-straight, then he can do so in college like everybody else,” Kimberly added.