American Family Field Vows To Crack Down On Sober Fans

Following a statewide referendum in support of public decency, today the Milwaukee Brewers declared their commitment to cracking down on sober fans. Although only a handful of sober fans have been identified at games, the team hopes to stop arena sobriety “before it has a chance to spread,” across the fandom. 

“It’s about etiquette. Would you laugh at a funeral? No? Then why would you show up to a ballgame without being absolutely hamsauced?” remarked Brewers’ owner Mark Attanasio during a press conference. Attanasio also outlined new stadium rules that will be implemented next week including BAC minimums before entry, no water served after the 7th inning or ever, and no fans under the age of 13.

Locals and tourists have commended the steps Miller Park has taken to restore baseball’s former glory as well as respectability into Wisconsin’s public space. “I can finally hold my head up high as I stroll through the tailgate lot and hear a cacophony of slurred speech and sloppy hookups. The sounds of shouted, “I love you, mans,” “Let’s go!” and projectile vomiting are music to my ears,” stated lifelong member of the Brew Crew, Brian Hermann.

Despite the divisional rivalry, Cubs fans reportedly commended the effort and collectively plan on stocking their cars full of Old Style and driving 20 mph faster than everyone else on their way to get shitfaced during Cubs-Brewers series.