Switch Hitting Outlawed Under New Georgia Bill

Following weeks of intense debate between originalists and batting activists, Georgia lawmakers today passed a sweeping piece of legislation that outlaws switch-hitting.

A 34-22 vote ensures batting averages for 3.5% of the state’s population will take a significant loss going forward, a major setback for batting activists who previously shared optimism after the state briefly accepted designated hitters last year.

“There are people out there who might look like you and me, but they switch-hit under the influence of Satan,” said Sen. Bruce Avery, the bill’s sponsor, before the final vote. “We know from scripture that Adam batted right. He didn’t leave Eve and then bat left.”

Sen. Sharon Gracie-Holmes, the state’s oldest senator, argued that passing the legislation signals a strengthening of Georgia’s core values in the batter’s box.

“It was a wild time back in the 1960s. You had Pete Rose hopping back and forth, confusing all kinds of young people about what’s right and wrong for generations,” Sen Gracie-Holmes said. “I switch-hit in college, and that is a sin I will never let down. I fear it won’t be long until we have a pitcher that also catches or even an aging slugger who transitions to a designated hitter role for the twilight of his career.”

Public reaction to the bill remains mixed, especially in light of revelations that Jerry Falwell Jr. switch-hits depending on the pitcher and game situation. A Gallup poll revealed 74% of males in Georgia believe that if a softball player were to switch-hit, it would be “really freaking hot,” while 89% said they have “no issue with people switch-hitting in the privacy of their own home baseball diamond.”

After voting to earmark $1.5 million for switch-hitting conversion therapy, Sen. Avery attended his son’s little league game where the boy alternated between hitting left and right in four at-bats.