Opinion: Sure, This Five-Time Olympic Gold Medalist Is Good, But Is He ‘Convince Me To Eat Subway’ Good?

While catching up on my shows last weekend, during a commercial break I saw an ad for Subway sandwiches featuring five-time Olympic gold medalist, Nathan Vera—arguably one of the best track and field athletes of all time. Don’t get me wrong, I respect his accomplishments and his work ethic. God knows I can’t hurdle like that. That being said, his biggest hurdle yet will be convincing me to “eat fresh.”

I wore Air Jordans as a kid because I wanted to be like Mike, I ate Wheaties because I wanted to be a champion, and I converted to Mormonism to draw strength from God like Steve Young. But will eating “bread” that has too much sugar to legally be marketed as bread in the Republic of Ireland get me closer to winning gold medals every four years in obscure running events?

I understand that he holds world records. But does eating six-inch sweet onion chicken teriyakis on Italian herbs and cheese sloppily thrown together by a depressed sandwich artist who plays a little fast and loose with the iceberg lettuce, inspire greatness? I doubt it. Even with a bag of Sun Chips, it’s not quite the mouth-orgasm-inducing lunch I need to whip me into shape.

In fairness, the commercial was pretty uplifting. That’s why I’m torn. For half a second, I contemplated learning to hurdle like the GOAT, but that’s not what he’s asking. He’s asking that I patronize his favorite sandwich chain, which for reasons unbeknownst to me isn’t Jersey Mike’s. Also, wouldn’t a track star be better off endorsing Jimmy John’s, who are famously “freaky fast?” I just don’t get it.

Maybe if I get it toasted it’ll at least be bearable? Ugh, fine. He did sacrifice his childhood for our nation’s glory. The least I can do is eat a meatball marinara. But if he ever asks me to try their tuna, I’m washing my hands of him and America.