Report: Table Tennis Player Still Not Hooking Up With Anyone At Olympic Village

Despite having lots of game on the miniaturized tennis court, one table tennis player has whiffed time and again in his attempts to hook up with the usually sexually indiscriminate athletes of the Olympic Village.

Darren Kumar, the star of Team USA Table Tennis, has yet to participate in the sexual free-for-all for which the Village is famous. “Everyone else is getting laid. Not once, but like, many times—with many different people. Sometimes all at once,” Kumar said. “And here I am, going home every night and smacking my ball against the wall by myself in a one-man ping-pong show.”

Kumar currently holds the record for the athlete with the most gold medals who hasn’t gotten laid, and according to Kumar, it’s not because table tennis isn’t sexy.  “My teammates are slaying like Ma Long at the 2016 Olympics,” Kumar said. “Even the billiards and badminton players are scoring doubles matches in the sack. What gives?!”

Friends close to Kumar claim his issues do not lie with his looks. “The man is gorgeous,” said female USA Table Tennis player Liu Juan. “He’s got a body like Ryan Reynolds, but he’s as smooth as Mr. Bean. Plus, his ping-pong innuendos are a bit much.”

“I don’t understand,” Kumar said. “Asking someone to paddle my lil’ balls with regulation-size racquets is hot stuff. Wondering if they want to score hard within the boundary lines of a mini tennis table should ping anyone’s pong! And, who could resist a night with me chopping, whacking, inverting, spinning, slapping, stroking, receiving and serving, twirling, pushing, flicking and flipping, being nips out with our pips out, forehand-deep, driving it down the line….hey where are you going?!”

For his part, Kumar hopes for better luck at Table Wimbledon.