Bill Belichick Returns To The Lab Inquiring If The Ghosts Are “Field Ready”

Despite February 8th being the official first day of the offseason, when most coaches return to their families and enjoy some much needed rest; New England head coach Bill Belichick, in anticipation of next season, returned to the team lab to see if the ghosts were “field ready” yet. 

The lab, developed by Belichick after going 5-11 his first year in New England, has engineered many tools integral to the team’s success. Ghosts are but the most recent innovation to exploit NFL loopholes added to their catalog of football research already including extensive fourth down studies, video recording technology, drones, and key findings regarding deflation.

“Since Brady left, we’ve been able to pivot away from avocado ice cream and other youth elixirs to more interesting, supernatural work that’ll give us an edge,” Pats’ lead scientist Ryan Drummond told reporters, adding that ghosts, ghouls, goblins, and poltergeists have been in the works for years and witches, despite showing promise, were scrapped due to pressure from local governments (despite the Patriots lobbying at the Federal level). “After hearing rumors of a high school coach using ghosts in an abandoned lighthouse to scare his opponents, we funded Operation ‘FoxBoorough’ to teach spirits football strategy.”

The ghosts, still in beta, are reportedly capable of helping maintain a Patriots lead, but lack the ability to spook opponents into blown coverages or turnovers. “Despite their success with the ‘Boogeyman Defense’ against Sam Darnold in 2019, they still need work. Without years of experience haunting high school or NCAAF programs, we may continue testing them against the Jets before unleashing them on real teams and the Eli Manning estate.”

Update: Upon Sports Riot leaving the Patriots’ facility for interview Bill Belichick could visibly be heard in his office with the lights off, cackling, “See you next season, Aaaahahahahaha!”