NFL Owners Release Joint Statement In Support Of Money

Responding to the financial unrest unfolding across the United States, NFL owners today released a joint statement bravely supporting the production, acquisition, and protection of money.

“We find it reprehensible that systematic taxing would threaten a single green life. Generations of money have endured oppression from the banking system, whether it was the green backs of our forefathers, or the minimal tax relief given to by the tyrannical government,” the statement said in part.

Touching on hot button topics like the loss of a 401(k) from an improperly handled stock broker to underprivileged hedge fund managers, the owners promised solidarity with intersectional allies: Old Money, New Money, Torn “bad” Money, and the hundred dollar bills forgotten about in our wallets.  

“We have the privilege to speak out for the trillions of bucks that cannot speak for themselves. We must make a stand against a system that forces NFL owners to pay a single penny for a new stadium and consider all options, including reparations from fans and players,” the statement said.

Building off the commitment from NFL owners, commissioner Roger Goodell pledged $10 million to the Owner Relief Fund and vowed to only buy from NFL Owner-owned businesses.