ISIS Buys PGA

In an unexpected move, the Professional Golfers Association made an announcement on Friday that “phase two” of merging with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf League, the organization had accepted a buyout offer and was now under sole ownership of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.

“The new PGA will be a dynamic, highly profitable league that will aim to both attract new fans as well as ruthlessly tear down the heretical Saudi LIV remnants and the unholy Americanization of golf,” claimed new PGA Chief Spokesman Abu Umar al-Muhajir, delivering a speech via disrupted satellite from what appeared to be an abandoned gypsum mine somewhere in southern Iraq. “By 2040, we expect the PGA Tour will be fully liberated from its evil secularist rulers, and be in the control of those who take the Prophet’s words seriously.”

The new league has already managed to pull some impressive talent, with both Phil Mickelson and Dustin Johnson happily rescinding their U.S. citizenship and going into hiding for the chance of guaranteed contracts valued at north of $240 million. And although al-Muhajir admitted there are still quite a few top tier athletes who have refused their offer, he remained optimistic that the possibility of release of those players’ family members would cause them to reconsider in the near future.

Unfortunately, the next leg of the PGA Tour, scheduled to take place in Houston’s Memorial Park Golf Course, has been canceled following a joint raid between the FBI, CIA, NSA, NRO, and the entirety of SEAL Team Six. However, avid golf lovers will be happy to know that the subsequent leg is slated to start later this month in an undisclosed area of the Levant, provided the PGA can first successfully rid the area of infidels.