Aaron Rodgers Discovers Theoretical Fifth Down

Aaron Rodgers has done it again. The former Jets quarterback — who has won four League MVPs, hosted “Jeopardy!”, and was named the “NFL’s Deepest Thinker” by his Instagram bio — has now unlocked the mysterious and only theoretical until this point “fifth down.”

Rodgers shared his football science breakthrough with Pat McAfee this week, detailing how he first encountered the fifth down during a game in Detroit. “We’d just gone three-and-out,” he said, “and I was jogging off the field to tell LaFleur what to do next when the air got thick. I found myself swimming in a sea of Sargento cheddar. Like the Ojibwe people, I was able to experience the world spatially. I understood the root of the word ‘corn.’ And then, I saw it.”

“Have you ever listened to the frequency of a field goal? Or smoked a peace pipe naked in a Green Bay basement? It was cold. My teeth hurt. A door opened and there was the magic seventh receiver I’ve always been looking for. It was Isaac Asimov. He wore number 81, which is not divisible by five. It made sense immediately. ‘Come,’ he said, and led me through the door, into what he called the ‘End of Eternity,’ or ‘fifth down.’”

During the interview Rodgers seemed actually to enter the fifth down. His eyes relaxed, and he maintained despondency for close to an hour. Breaking out of it, he said, “I’m on my way to discovering there is no football. There’s just . . . this.” He cupped his hands and calmly separated them before even more calmly saying, “There’s a touchdown in all of us.”

Following another pause, he said, “Holy shit. I just realized why they’re called the ‘uprights.’” Soon he was up, scrambling out of the studio. “I’m going to blow Rogan’s mind!”