Virtual NFL Draft Provides Blueprint On How To Break Into Kliff Kingsbury’s House

While the virtual NFL draft was a success on multiple fronts, some Phoenix viewers have noted that the event had one additional benefit: providing the perfect view to finally realize their dreams of illegally breaking into Kliff Kingsbury’s Paradise Valley home.

“As soon as I saw the pavilion in his backyard, I thought, ‘Wow, what a perfect place to hide until nightfall,’” said lifelong Cardinals fan and two-time convicted felon James Tarkanian. “I guess he’s confident enough in his defensive strategy that he’s willing to take risks, but I dunno… that all-glass paneling in the back looks super easy to penetrate, if you ask me.”

Several sources disclosed their plans to break into Kingbury’s place of residence, including using pneumatic vacuum cups to run a post route along the double-high ceiling in his kitchen, or, in a real Hail Mary move, rappelling down through the obvious gap in coverage provided by his spacious, 100-percent-black-Italian-marble fireplace.

Once inside, some potential home invaders say they will stick to simple burglary, while others plan on rummaging through Kingsbury’s diary and personal emails to look for any possible clue as to why he would trade Tyrann Mathieu, or what former Fox Sports reporter Holly Sonders could possibly see in him.

They will have to move quickly, however, as sources from Seattle say that the Seahawks are already en route to Kingsbury’s house, where their defensive line will be attempting its own break-in as a team-building exercise.