An Apology From Our Editors: Kirk Cousins Is Not A Member Of OutKast

Sports Riot has been oft-criticized for its bold segments on the intersection between music and sports: case in point, our three-part series on why Pete Rose should sing for System of a Down. But recently we’ve come across a significant oversight in which our research team has betrayed us: our conviction that since 1992 Kirk Cousins has been a member of the Atlanta hip-hop duo OutKast.

We want to apologize for the 13 articles in which we cited the former-Vikings-now-Falcons QB as “the tall one from OutKast” or “the guy who plays acoustic guitar in the ‘Hey Ya’ video” or even “the actor who recently took a star turn in the 2013 Jimi Hendrix biopic.” We feel silly saying this, but that person is actually a rapper and singer called “Andre Three Thousands.”

What??

As you can imagine, the news hit us pretty hard at SRHQ.

Our internal thoughts immediately became, “You mean to tell me Cousins isn’t in the guy in OutKast?”

Our internal thoughts continued, “Wait, then who’s the guy who got with Erykah Badu in the nineties and won ‘World’s Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrity’ in 2004? You’re saying that’s not ‘Captain Kirk’?”

Actually no: It was Andre Threes Thousands. We’d thought “Bombs over Baghdad” was about Cousins’ turnover ratio. We thought he wrote “Ms. Jackson” about the West Coast Hey Ya! Offense. And as for Three Thousands’ weird flute album? It was the press conference Cousins gave while holding the snub-nosed jazz flute that sealed it for us.

But it turns out none of these was true. “Bombs over Baghdad” is about the Gulf War. “Ms. Jackson” is a letter to Erykah Badu’s mother. And the flute was a recorder.

Our other clue should have been that Mr. Threez Thousandz has won six Grammys while Kirk Cousins never wins anything.

To conclude, we’d like to apologize for our many, many references to Kirk Cousins being a member of OutKast. His move to the Falcons was not the homecoming we’d thought. So just to be clear: Kirk Cousins was never part of OutKast.

Kirk was in Wu-Tang Clan.