Opinion: I Don’t Get Hard Watching Football Anymore

I used to have a full stiffy for all four hours of the Sunday football game, now I turn on the “game” and I don’t even get a twitch from the little guy. The world and I have both gone soft. First of all, guardian caps? What happened to good ol’ helmet to helmet dick raising action. Everything’s in high definition now too! Where’s the mystery? I used to get rock hard imagining players as manly hunks with high cheekbones, I can’t do that if I can see their real faces!

I watch the NFL now and I have to toss a football with myself just to get a half chub! I mean, please: “The Commanders are good?” talk about Deflategate! Everything’s weak now from the team names to the players! When’s the last time you’ve seen a receiver without gloves, just skin to pigskin? I know I’m certainly not touching MY ‘pigskin’ anymore.

Now when I go over to watch the game with the boys, we hardly have time to pay attention to the game! We’re all using both hands, mouths, any available orifice just to keep each other straight! What are our wives supposed to think if they come down to the man cave and see five weak, flaccid men watching football? Last week we all put out beer bottles in our pants just to make a decent showing!

I know you may be thinking it is the age, but it’s not! The little marine still salutes when I watch old NFL clips on the hub. When I heard John Madden say, “Boom!” in that deep, masculine, growling voice, that was the final time I finished. We had it all and we never appreciated it! We used to have long shaggy natural fields, now we get this artificial turf shit? No wonder kids these days are tuning out of the NFL for the hardcore step sister stuff.

The world should have ended in the 80s!