O-Lineman Opens Up About Lifelong Struggle With Human-Sized Toilets

Speaking from his home bathroom in Haverford, Pennsylvania, Monday, former Eagles offensive lineman Jason Kelce finally broke the decades-long silence about NFL his battle between human-sized toilets and giant-sized bodies.

Kelce, 37, spoke about not being able to square his shoulders inside a standard-sized men’s-room stall and having to press on — and sometimes break down — stall walls. And even if he can hunker down in a handicap stall, just two wrong hand movements can raze an entire system and find him face to face with men who don’t care that he lead the NFC in sacks allowed.

“What people don’t get is, the size of the opening in a toilet — that’s approximately the size of my as*hole,” said the former All-Pro lineman from University of Cincinnati. “That means that anything pushing outward is going to spill over the side.” Kelce removed his glasses to wipe away tears. “I take huge dumps,” he said. “And I have for a very long time.”

Most of the time, said Kelce, things are okay. “I’m just a big human. People stare. But it’s okay. It’s when I need a toilet.” One time, he said, on a flight to Chicago, his bowel movement threw off the weight distribution in the cabin to such a degree that the pilot had to make an emergency stop in Oklahoma City. Added Kelce, “It wasn’t even close.”

These days Kelce takes life one big dump at a time. He’s developing an app for his fellow linemen that will help them locate “wide-mouth” toilet seats in the Greater Philly area. He’s also spearheading a charity, Brotherly Thrones, that will raise money for what he calls “plus-sized toilet outreach.” As part of the campaign, he’s handing out brown bracelets.