Man With JetPack Shatters Pole Vault World Record By 2,080 Feet

During a dramatic track-and-field World Championship last weekend, Russian star Boris “the Falcon” Sokolov shattered the pole vault world record by a stunning 2,080 feet. Sokolov soared well over the 6.18m mark set by Swedish pole vaulter Armand Duplantis earlier this year, and now holds the record at 640.08 meters. Duplantis told reporters that “the way Boris tucked his chin and drove his hips forward was, technically, textbook vaulting, but something about it didn’t feel right,” before noting the Russian’s vertical output was “barely five meters last year.”

Critics like Duplantis are calling for an investigation into Sokolov and his team. The International Association of Athletics Federation (IAAF) has caved to the pressure and will be reviewing Sokolov’s pole for added springs, drug tests for banned substances, and shoes for “nefarious thruster technology.”

Sokolov’s team insists there was no foul play, despite remarks made by insiders in the recent track-and-field tell-all novel, “Thrusted,” and has handed over whatever scraps of machinery or Boris they collected after they exploded upon landing. Boris, now dead, will not be testifying at the upcoming congressional hearing, but fortunately for team Russia, his left leg flew so far sideways it shattered the world long jump record by 431 meters.