Zach Wilson Checks Himself Into Rehab After Wild Night In New York Cafe

Following the surprise upset of the juggernaut Philadelphia Eagles, backup New York Jets and devout Mormon Zach Wilson shocked the football world after checking himself into a rehab program following a wild night of coffee “and other caffeinated” beverages at a Brooklyn Starbucks over the weekend.

Witnesses say the early evening bender started innocently enough when Wilson, whose religion forbids the consumption of hot caffeinated drinks, was seen sipping decaf frappuccinos at the coffee bar shortly after the Jets’ latest victory, just sitting there and smiling.

From there, things quickly spiraled out of control. “He was venting to us baristas about his pressure at work and he’d finally gotten a W. The more he talked about the Jets, the stiffer and stiffer drinks he started to order,” Starbucks employee Andrea Provenza said of the quarterback who drank several “half-caffs” before moving on to straight espresso shots.

“That’s when he started to wreak havoc on our store,” Provenza said of Wilson, who, after 6 shots, began cleaning up the condiment bar, rearranging the tables, and alphabetizing the syrups in the stock room. “He was too productive. We had to cut him off.”

Wilson’s BYU friends say they recognized a pattern of problematic behavior in Wilson shortly after he got to New York, citing his frequent complaints of jitters and withdrawal headaches—as well as his new habit of staying up all hours of the night, sometimes as late as 11:30pm, to complete jigsaw puzzles.

For his part, Wilson will detox at a rehab facility that specializes in teaching Jets players how to cope with inevitable all-consuming misery instead of turning to destructive substances and behaviors.