Alarming: 34 Percent Of Americans Don’t Even Know Who Their Backup QB Is

A chilling study out of the Pew Research Center revealed Friday that more than a third of the country doesn’t even know the first and last names of their team’s backup quarterback. This is the first time since 1953 that the U.S. has dipped below Canada (97%), Mexico (71%), and Austria (39%) in this category. 

Sarah Coyle, the study’s lead scientist, said that many U.S. citizens aren’t aware they have a backup until it’s too late. “The starter goes down and, seconds later, there’s a new guy in there. Different number. Different build. Different cadence. The question is: Then what?” 

Coyle sat still for a long time before whispering, “Then what?” 

The research team collected data in several cities with NFL, college, and high-school programs. Married couple Ruth (65) and Michael (68) Sacchetti, of Lansdowne, Pa., could recall Eagles’ starters all the way back to Ron Jaworski. But inquiries into Jalen Hurts’ current backup drew a deep and harrowing silence. “Bubby Brister?” Ruth said, adding, “No, that can’t be — he was ’93. Is it Jim McMahon? Give me a clue.” At the mention of Tanner McKee, Michael spit out his Mountain Dew Code Red. “Who the hell’s that?” 

When Ruth noticed Michael’s nose was bleeding, she turned to Coyle and said, “You better get out of here.” 

Similar outbursts occurred throughout the country. In Dearborn, Mich., the team was chased out of a Red Robin. At a high-school in Medora, N.D., Coyle was arrested for her “woke views” on football. And in Green Bay, when she mentioned Jordan Love had previously been the backup, she was deemed a “threat to national security.”

In the midst of raising awareness of this dire (some say “hopeless”) situation, Coyle is at work on her next project — canvasing the people of Greater Las Vegas for the name of their NFL team.