Report: Browns Confident They Hired Wrong Guy

Crawling out of a league-spanning head coach search, the Cleveland Browns announced they are entering the offseason with certainty they’ve brought the worst possible option in to lead the organization.

“I haven’t been this confident in where this team is heading in quite some time,” remarked General Manager Andrew Berry. “Now that we’ve got our scapego–I mean head coach–fans can look forward to season after season of first-overall picks for years to come.” 

While all the other teams have upgraded at crucial roles in just the last few weeks, Browns owner Jimmy Haslam proudly announced that he has once again successfully steered into a nosedive.

“We brought John Harbaugh in for an interview, and my first thought after he left was ‘fuck no!’” recalled Haslam. “Those other, lesser teams might want a candidate who knows how to best utilize a roster, call the right plays at the right moment, and run a title-caliber team. But we wouldn’t dare call ourselves a proper Cleveland team if we didn’t do things a little differently.”

The team will instead be left in the mangled hands of Ravens’ picked-over carcass Todd Monken. 

“I know there’s been a lot of talk about the Steelers hiring Mike McCarthy, but I want to confirm right now that I am still a much worse choice,” said the first-time head coach.

Though season ticket holders are sure to be let down to new lows, longtime Dawg Pound devotees can rest assured that nobody can take their place – unless the Jets really step up-down their game.