Report: Expert Legal Team Gets O.J. Into Heaven
Football legend O.J. Simpson was acquitted from Hell this week after a long, highly contentious and publicized trial in the deepest bowels of the Netherworld, Los Angeles County. Analysts agree that Simpson’s admission to Heaven was thanks to an expert team of some of the most cunning, unholy legal minds on – and below – the earth.
Both old and new faces numbered amongst Simpson’s defense bench. “Some of his original lawyers like Robert Kardashian, Johnny Cochrane, and F. Lee Bailey, were already burning here and ready to go,” said Barbara Walters, who covered the ‘95 trial back on Earth, and now reports on court proceedings in Hell on a work visa from Heaven. “But other heavy hitters like Alan Dershowitz and Robert Shapiro aren’t expected for a few years and could only communicate by Pentagram®, so he had to improvise. Luckily, it’s like 76% lawyers down here.”
Fleshing out the remainder of his so-called “Scream Team,” Simpson retained notorious lawyers like former President Andrew Jackson, mob counselor Roy Cohn, and Niles Harris (the original tax attorney).
Yet, Simpson’s team faced an uphill battle. “It didn’t help that after dying, O.J. didn’t report directly to Hell like he was supposed to, but instead escaped on a slow-moving white cloud. He was chased around the stratosphere for a while,” said Hell denizen and fellow athlete Aaron Hernandez, while turning on a spit over fiery lava. “It also didn’t help that he murdered two people while on Earth. Seemingly a slam-dunk case.”
Despite the staggering evidence that he belonged in Hell, Simpson’s team made a compelling case of reasonable doubt after showing a really funny scene from “The Naked Gun” featuring him. Further, the horns meant for all Hell residents proved somewhat ill-fitting when Simpson was asked to try them on during his trial, prompting Cochrane to exclaim, “if the horns don’t fit, you must acquit!”
The demonic jury of Simpson’s peers agreed.
Following the decision, Simpson told reporters he vowed to find the real demon who belongs in Hell instead of him. Before ascending into Heaven, however, the court remanded Simpson to 10 years purgatory for memorabilia theft.
