Mr. Met Leaves Wife For Hot, Young Wiffle Ball
Mr. Met has left his wife of 22 years for a bright young new Wiffle Ball named Tiffany. The split was confirmed by Mr. and Mrs. Met in a public announcement on Monday. Mrs. Met wept and clutched their two children, as Mr. Met read his statement with extremely oversized Ray Bans on, his hat turned solemnly backwards, and didn’t even end the divorce announcement with a lyric from “Let’s Go Mets, Go!”
The Mets organization declined to answer any questions, but released a statement saying, “We give our deepest condolences to Mrs. Met and their children, Curve, and Screw. What happened is devastating, but honestly, we get it!”
According to her instagram influencer account, Tiffany is a 27 year old wiffleball bartender. Also, thanks to the financial help of Mr. Met, she is now in school pursuing her dream of becoming a brand ambassador for Louisville Slugger. “Look I wanted to stay, but Mrs. Met and I were growing apart. Plus, I’m a red-blooded American baseball, how could I keep myself from a smooth, bendy, stitch-less, piece like Tiff? I’m serious, you’ve never seen a wiffle ball like this,” said Mr. Met. “The kids don’t even need gloves to play with her,” he continued.
Mrs. Met, soon to be Ms. Rawlings again, released a statement on her social media account, “I can’t believe Mr. Met would walk out on his family and all for some airhead wind-whistler floozy. Well, two can play that game.” Reports surfaced shortly after the post went live that the Philly Phanatic was identified as snorting former Mrs. Met in and out of his snout in the bullpen between innings. The Mets organization said in a statement, “We are outraged, we don’t condone that kind of behavior, but honestly, we get it!”
Mr. Met responded, “It’s hard but we each need to move on. I loved Mrs. Met for years but honestly, after a while I couldn’t go ball-deep in her anymore. I mean, she looks exactly like me. Once you see it, you see it,” said Mr. Met shakenly. “But it’s all heaters here forward! With Tiff I have no issues achieving max velocity ballgasims. 98MPH!”
