Family Minature Golf Outing Perfect Opportunity For Dad To Educate Son On Committing White-Collar Crime

Son, I didn’t just bring you out here today to enjoy nine whimsical holes on this championship miniature golf course at Pirate Pete’s Putt-Putt Palace. You’re what, nine years old now? Right, like I said — 12 years old. And I think it’s high time I taught you how the business world really works. 

You see, without mini golf, capitalism would grind to a halt. Warren Buffet might put ink to a contract in the boardroom, but the real deal was sealed the day before with a handshake in front of a large novelty windmill. When you cross the threshold onto this 9,000-square-foot, artificial-turf promised land, the shackles of society drop and you’re free to get shit done with nothing to stand in your way — no wives, no government, and most importantly, no red tape. 

Remember when that lemonade stand I helped you and your pals with got busted for alleged “wage theft”? We both know your friends couldn’t sell a Playboy to a pervert, but the IRS says you still gotta share YOUR hard-earned money with those bozos. Doesn’t seem fair, right? Well next time, treat the mayor to a friendly game of mini golf. Maybe a few quarters fall out of your pocket so that he can enjoy the Mortal Kombat machine. By the time you reach the waterfall hole he’s on the phone with the DA, who “coincidentally” decides to drop all charges.

Just last month I mini golfed with Martin Shkreli, Rudy Giuliani, and the kid who plays Dustin on “Stranger Things”. Just so happens the kid mentions that things at Netflix are a little “upside-down” right now and hints we should sell our stock. Hey, it’s not insider trading — it’s just golf talk. 

Well son, what do you say we get out of here? I think it’s time I took you to Chuck E. Cheese to show you how to launder dirty tokens into clean, legit prizes.