Unwritten Rule?: Does It Say Anywhere Chainsaws Can’t Be Used As Baseball Bats?

When I think of America’s pastime, I think of the smell of fresh ballpark food, the warm sunshine enveloping the crowd, and the roar of a serrated chainsaw blade as it slices through a 95-mph fastball like butter. However, not everyone, mainly the MLB Playing Rules Committee, agrees with my vision.

And that’s a shame. 

This isn’t new. Just last week when I brought my STIHL MS 261 chainsaw into the clubhouse down at my AAA team, my manager told me I was a true five-tool player. I could cut through metal, wood, concrete, plastic, and most importantly, a piece of cork wrapped in yarn hurled toward me and my teammates. After just one game with that bad boy, I earned my promotion to the big club, and now I’m being told I can’t use my favorite bat just because it delivers an exceptional power-to-weight ratio? 

It must be an unwritten rule because there’s nothing in the rulebook barring me or anyone else from stepping up to the plate and cranking up my pristine chainsaw. The league’s reluctance to get with the times is really baffling when you consider the low fuel efficiency of the Louisville Slugger, which, by the way, lacks an anti-vibration system, forcing a hitter to spend extra money on batting gloves. Why would anyone use a product that requires you to buy even more equipment? The STIHL MS 261 has everything I need for driving in that critical go-ahead-run in a compact, 10.8-pound package.

Yet the big shots making these “unwritten rules” won’t relent. Are they afraid that my bat flip will be too intimidating for the opposition after I saw a home run in half? Really? With its streamlined cylinder and ergonomic housing? Give me a break. Come tonight when I step up to the plate, I’m going to call timeout, waive the bat boy over with a canister of unleaded gasoline, and fill my bat up. What are they going to do? Throw a baseball at me?