You Can Take The Bills Out Of Buffalo, But Please Don’t

I know, I know. Your city wants an NFL team and the Bills look ripe for the taking. Before you take the leap, I beg you to stop and consider what you’re doing. You don’t want the Bills. Nobody wants the Bills. 

The Bills are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If they move to your city, they’ll be the worst thing that ever happens to you, too. 

From the moment they arrived in Buffalo, the Bills have helped gradually corrode our way of life. At first, we did our best to support them. We attended games, wore their signature apparel and even convinced ourselves that management would eventually build a winner.

Oh sure, we won a couple of AFC championships in the ‘90s, but that’s not exactly a tale you pass on to your grandchildren. They want to hear about Super Bowls. And as the years passed by, it became abundantly clear that Buffalo, New York, would never be home to the Vince Lombardi trophy. 

Do you know what that does to a city? Always being certain that failure lies just around the corner? Just look at Cleveland. That’s us. We’re Cleveland with more snow. Is that what you want for yourselves? 

At this point, even moving the team won’t save us. The communal sense of failure is so deeply entrenched that we are now the only place on Earth qualified to play host to the virus that is the Bills. By sacrificing ourselves, we hope to contain it.

So, spare yourselves the agony and let the Bills stay in Buffalo. You’ll thank us later.