Report: You’ll Still Be Terrible At Basketball In The Metaverse

A new study from the Pew Research Center confirmed Monday that despite your confidence in the Metaverse’s capacity to improve real life, you will still be terrible at basketball.

Annie Ortega, developer for the Philadelphia-based software company Cesium, reports having fielded your inquiries about the physical dimensions of Metaverse avatars, the height of its basketball nets, and whether the 3-D immersive indeed has its own “NBA” but with open tryouts.

“You get winded running down court, you don’t seem to know what a foul is, and your last physical competition was a Thanksgiving pickup game in which you pulled your groin. Do you really think we can make a decent player out of you?” Ortega said. “There’s a limit to our creative capabilities.”

When asked for an example of what the Metaverse basketball will be like, Ortega pitched the following scenario: “You enter a park in the Metaverse. At the park is a game of basketball. You decide to play. You still suck.”

Ortega highlighted the fact that while the Metaverse can technically be anything you make it, it still mimics real life, and in real life you were cut from JV as a twelfth grader. “The coach actually booed you off the court during tryouts,” Ortega said. “I mean, is there something we’re missing?”

On a positive note, Ortega confirmed that virtual or augmented reality might make you slightly handsomer, increasing your likelihood to approach — but not yet sleep with — women.

She cautioned, however, that in the Metaverse you’re still a shitty guitar player because you refuse to practice, and no, your penis will not grow in proportion to the size of its avatar.

 

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Writer: Jeff

Editor: Zach

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