NFL Informs Philadelphia That Games Can Be Enjoyed Without Homicide

The NFL held a press conference in Philadelphia today to persuade the city’s fans that homicide is not necessary to enjoy sporting events. ⠀

The city’s notorious fan base, responsible for several murders per professional game last year alone, at first reacted with confusion to the announcement. “That’s like asking us not to cheer, drink beer, or assault Santa Claus,” said long-time Eagles fan Pat Busillo while punching a police horse in the face. “If no one is murdered, did the game even get played? How do we know who wins?”⠀

Many Philadelphians echoed Busillo’s concerns. “That’s just how we’ve always done it here. It’s our city’s most hallowed tradition,” said Jim Kenney, Philadelphia mayor and lifelong Phillies fan. “We all remember seeing our first double-header and double-homicide at the old Veterans Stadium.”⠀

The NFL admitted that modernizing Philadelphia sports culture will be a gradual process and suggested fans commit non-violent felonies and misdemeanors as a stepping-stone toward eventually phasing out murder entirely.⠀

“The last thing we at the NFL want to be associated with violence,” NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said when asked about their request for change. “If anyone’s going to die, it should be the football players we pay exorbitant amounts of money to endanger themselves.” ⠀