Japan Vows All Olympic Village Sexual Encounters Will Be Pixelated

Officials for the Tokyo Olympics announced today that they plan to pixelate the hundreds of thousands of sexual encounters that are anticipated to take place at the Olympic Village between athletes during the two-week summer event.

The move is an effort to remain in compliance with the country’s strict laws forbidding nudity in both media and real life and will be achieved through the application of augmented reality.

“My team will work tirelessly to obscure all the real-life c**ks, c**ts, t*ts, n*ps, b**ts, t**nts, and b**ls—anything involved in o**l, dig*t*l, or pene***tive f***ing,” said Haru Yamamoto, the lead Genitalia Pixilation Engineer for the games. “And we will do so using the ancient Japanese tradition of eight-bit pixelization.”

Yamamoto said this will be no easy feat, as more than 30,000 athletes and coaches are scheduled to reside in the Village during the games and more than 250,000 sexual encounters are expected to take place in, under, around, and on top of the premises.

“While our peers have been working on COVID for the last year, we have worked ourselves to the bone making sure our guests experience all the tantalization of intercourse without any of the visual obscenity, like s***m, v***as, b**bs, a**las, j**z, and, of course, b***ke,” Yamamoto said.