Ranking The Top College Pizza Towns By How Fat Their Lineman Are
Salt, acid, heat, and fat linemen – these are four cornerstones required to create a great college pizza town.
Yet a definitive list ranking the nation’s college towns by way of best fat linemen still remains unwritten. Until today. Now serving, Sport Riot’s Top 5 college pizza towns:
5) Waco, Texas – Hankering for some great college pizza that goes straight to your thighs? Salivate no further than this explosive little Texas town, whose massive linemen average upper leg circumferences of up to 43.5-inches year-round.
4) Newark, New Jersey – Don’t be fooled by the outwardly-muscular butts of the local lineman. The fatty richness of these quarterback protectors lays below the surface. Thanks in extra- large part to a cocktail of folded pizzas and steroids, this college town offers multiple get-fit-and-get-fat joints on every street corner that you won’t fuggedabout.
3) Ames, Iowa – There’s a saying in Ames that goes like this: “If God births ya fat, my boy, a pizza-eating lineman you’ll become.” With that kind of rich oral tradition sauced circularly atop its local newborns, it’s no wonder this midwestern town knows how to craft and enjoy over 200,000 pan-crust half-beef, half-corn pizzas every single day of the year.
2) Berkeley, California – For a city hellbent on making smarter, more data-driven college pizzas, this Bay Area town is often overlooked due to its freakishly healthy linemen. But don’t be fooled. Beneath their lean facades, these athletes’ insides are made up entirely of fatty, flavorful, conflict-college pizza – the kind that is baked exclusively overseas by the gentle hands of local children before being delivered in the thinnest, most ergonomic pizza box man has ever seen.
1) Baton Rouge, Louisiana – Is a bucket of fried seafood technically college pizza? According to the massive championship-winning fat linemen who call the Red Stick home, yes, so long as said bucket is balanced on top of a crust of more fried seafood and able to go through the ‘Fried Seafood Pizzamatic 2211’ without toppling over. As we, the entire writing staff of Sports Riot, overwhelmingly accept this explanation, it is easy for us to crown BR as the greatest college pizza town in our good old US of A.
Disagree with any of our rankings or have fat linemen of your own that you’d like to use as proxies for your local college pizza towns? Add it to our unlimited comments section within 30 minutes of reading this article, or don’t ever talk to us again.
