Getting Back To It’s Roots: 2021 Olympics Will Encourage Athletes To Be Naked And Invade Sparta

In a bid to return the games to their former glory, the International Olympic Committee announced that Tokyo athletes will be encouraged to compete naked, as well as invade the city-state of Sparta. 

IOC president Thomas Bach made the announcement in a press conference on Wednesday, where he laid out the logistics of nude competition, plus a strategy to establish Athenian rule over the area on the southern banks of the Eurotas River.

“As though they were the fearsome Medusa herself, the Olympic games have seen a steady drop in viewership,” admitted Bach. “To rekindle audience interest, we’ll first display the splendor of the perfected, Adonis-like naked human form in physical competition.”

Once the two-week games end, Bach says athletes will then focus their physical prowess on laying waste to Sparta. “And just like in games of yore, our nude Olympians will hop a commercial flight to Athens, whereupon they’ll march south to confront local mayor Petros Doukas, who in his hubris believes himself to be a modern day Leonidas. There, he shall hear the lamentations of the women as he and his Spartan brood are deftly slain by our proud, olive-oil drenched Olympian warriors.”

While there has not been much dissent from within the IOC, several Olympians have been quick to voice their concerns.

“All I wanted to do was jump some hurdles and hang out with friends,” said U.S. track-and-field star Fred Kerley. “Instead, I’ve been issued a spear—despite the fact that the javelin isn’t even my event—and asked to bare my naked body before Zeus and potentially ‘reach glory in the Elysian fields beyond.’ It’s like man, at least give me a minute to check out the Village first.”

While nudity and the decimation of the Spartan forces remain his main focus, Bach did mention that the IOC is entertaining the idea of rekindling other aspects of the Ancient Greek Olympics, like the 400m Socratic Debate and Men’s Freestyle Pedophilia.