NCAA To Start Paying Players On All Teams Except For Tennessee Volunteers

In a stunning reversal of policy, NCAA President Mark Emmert confirmed on Thursday that the organization will begin compensating collegiate athletes on every team except for the Tennessee Volunteers. “The time has come to pay our young athletes a fair and honest wage, with the obvious exception of our generous Volunteers, who will continue to voluntarily play for free,” said Emmert, as several Tennessee players threw their hands up in disbelief behind him.

“Unfortunately, my hands are a bit tied in the matter,” said Volunteer’s athletic director, Phillip Fulmer, speaking to reporters during a mandatory groundbreaking for a low-income housing development in Chattanooga that his team volunteered for. “We’ve already tried re-naming ourselves the ‘Employees With Paychecks’, but the NCAA vetoed it because it violated several renaming bylaws.”  

In an emailed statement, Emmert reiterated the NCAA’s position and stressed that the Volunteers’ sacrifices were very much appreciated. Nevertheless, he did admit that the policy change had led to several unforeseen complications, including a dispute with the Purdue Boilermakers, who have unionized, and Old Dominion Monarchs, who have invoked the principle of divine right in an attempt to seize control over the NCAA.