Wizards’ GM Promises Team’s Performance Will Be “Abra-Cadadequate”

Citing a young roster and the constant threat of injury to its star players, newly anointed Wizards GM Tommy Sheppard told reporters last Sunday he expects his team to be “abra-cadaequate” this season.

“Trading Dwight Howard for C.J. Miles was not the ala-ka-zlamdunk we hoped for,” Sheppard said. “With Miles and John Wall now both plagued with injuries, I don’t need a crystal ball to know making it to the postseason will be like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.”

Contributing to Sheppard’s prediction is the inexperience of the line-up. 

“We lack the same hocus-focus of more veteran rosters,” Sheppard said. “I wish I could just wave a magic wand and say some DikembeMutumbo-jumbo and — voilà! — we’d have a stacked deck, but that’s just not in the cards.”

Sheppard plans to tighten the fundamentals rather than bank on splashy plays. 

“The magic formula will be open-sesame-ing up more defenses while presto-changing-outta our bad defenses. We do this consistently while abraca-grab-ing rebounds, then bippity-boppity-BOOM goes the dynamite—we just might win half our games again.”

Sheppard closed the press conference by saying he can’t guarantee a winning season.

 “All I can foretell,” he said, “is that the Wizards will be Dumbledordinary.”