We Summarize All Of Our Baseball Predictions And Analysis In One Go So We Can Move On

We here at Sports Riot understand you live a very busy life. Baseball? 162 games? 9 innings? Who’s got the time? So as good journalists, we decided to trim the fat and, just like the pitch clock, fast forward to where the only even potentially interesting stuff is. Let’s trudge up some bullshit about the 2024 baseball season so we can get back to doing literally anything else.

Why wait to find out the Mets will be a massive disappointment in October when you can read it now? Or that the Royals will use good fundamentals, but be irrelevant? Or that the Dodgers are good again because of mounds and mounds of goddamn money? Or that the Pirates, much like the depressed Rust Belt citizens who support them, will remain America’s cruelest joke. Boom. That’s 4 franchises out of the way in a single paragraph. Can we leave yet?

Sure, we all look forward to another amazing season from Mike Trout, where he will certainly hit for 70 home runs, bat .500, and the Angels finish dead last in the AL. It’s as certain as the Marlins having a promising young team with 70 wins that Bruce Sherman will ultimately sell off to rivals so he can pour more of his money into the business ventures he actually gives a fuck about. Speaking of giving a fuck, have we lost you yet? Scrolled away to our UFC coverage or something? We wouldn’t fucking blame you.

Oh, Christ, we forgot about the playoffs. We guess to summarize, Ohtani breaks the single game home run and strikeout record but the Dodgers still get eliminated early, the Athletics develop an everlasting, dedicated fan base in Las Vegas… oh, and steroids are back. Why the hell not? Also, the upstart Orioles will be taken out in the World Series by the returning Montreal Expos via a young Pedro Martinez. And now we’re done. Halle-fucking-lujah. Time to watch the NBA and forget this sport ever existed.

See you all in 2025. Maybe we’ll try again.