Opinion: Here’s Why You Should Be Passing The Ball To Me

Dear ignorant teammates,

Lately, a lot of you have been playing entire games of basketball without once passing the ball to me. Personally, I have no idea why you would all take part in something so detrimental to the team, but according to my girlfriend, it’s less that you morons hate me as a person, and more about how uninformed you are about the giant gap in our athletic abilities. So, per Jessica’s suggestion, let me tell you why I’m always your best option.

Let’s start with the obvious: all of you are terrible at basketball. Your shots are whack, your rebounds are trash, and your assists-to-me ratio is a miserable 0.0. You know what fixes all of that? Passing the ball to yours truly.

Still not convinced? Well, how about some national polling data? According to Pew Sports, 88% of Americans would rather see me receive a pass than watch any of you do literally anything on a basketball court. So either swing the ball my way or disappoint 290,000,000+ Americans.

Now, if you think this is all a little severe, and the knowledge of committing treason still leaves you with no desire to get me the rock, honestly guys, you’re all just being jerks. Luckily, I know just what jerks respond to. I’ll keep it simple: starting tomorrow night, you either pass me the ball on every possession, or I start a massive Zoom call between all of your spouses and all of your side pieces that doesn’t end until each and every one of your family lives have burned to the ground.

Let me know what you want to do, and thanks!

Sincerely,

Matt

P.S. I love you, Jessica.