Baseballs And Other Things You Can Throw At The Houston Astros

Does the Houston Astros cheating in the World Series bother you? Well, if you ever run into an Astro, here are some things you can throw at them:

Baseballs: Pretty self-explanatory. Baseballs make for great projectiles aimed at no-good, rotten cheaters. Beanballs send a very clear message of disrespect and oftentimes cause physical pain. Careful, though. Astros may carry a bat.

Insults: Out of baseballs? Don’t worry. Dish out your very best cutting remark that criticizes their stupid faces, ugly mothers, or childhood insecurities they buried deep down and although won’t admit to, are still deeply sensitive about, and that may or may not be the shortcomings they tried to overcome by stealing signs during the biggest game of their careers.

The Book: This one’s for you, Manfred. Instead of suspending opposing pitchers for hurling blunt objects at human beings’ fragile skulls or hurling blunt objects yourself, why not throw some disciplinary action at the guys who broke the biggest unwritten rule in sports: that if you cheat, don’t get fucking caught.

Concepts: Face it. Athletes, and specifically Houston Astros, are not very bright. Heck, they got caught cheating on a national scale. So, throw some concepts at their tiny, pea brains. Things like “hard work,” “rules,” or even “integrity” are sure to make their cheater minds short-circuit as if electrocuted by some sort of buzzer.

Grand Pianos: Catch these a-holes off guard and throw ‘em a change-up: a high and tight grand piano. Some chin music. Let’s see ‘em charge the mound when crushed under the weight of a nine-foot-long Bösendorfer concert piano. Concerto No. 5 “Cheaters” in E-Flattened Minor, it’ll be music to your heroic ears.

Any of these things can be thrown at Astros, should you find yourself a professional pitcher on an opposing team or a stagehand at the local symphony orchestra. Go get ‘em.