Cardboard Philly Fans Still Manage To Throw Batteries On Field

Losing the little things we’ve come to know in sports has been difficult as leagues adapt to the pandemic, but a miracle in Philadelphia unfolded this past (limited) regular season when the time-honored tradition of throwing projectiles at opposing players returned as Atlanta Braves first baseman Freddie Freeman reported several batteries landing at his feet, each originating in the direction of hundreds of cardboard Philly fans. 

“Wait, I thought this was limited to Eagles fans! These Philadelphians always find a way to get under your skin,’” said Freeman while holding up a handful of AA, D, and C Energizer batteries.

As security at Citizens Bank Park tried to identify who threw the batteries, Philadelphia police took a proactive approach to the unruly behavior exhibited by the cardboard fans. “We set up road blockades, greased up the telephone poles to prevent climbing, and activated our riot police to keep these cardboard Phillies fans from getting out of hand after the game,” said venue spokesperson Dale Graham.

As the 9th inning came to a close, more batteries rained down on and around the field. Security rushed to apprehend dozens of cardboard fans who were then thrown into the stadium’s booking cell. Authorities grew increasingly frustrated with the cardboard fans in their custody for their blatant lack of cooperation. Phillies owner John S. Middleton said if this type of behavior continues next year with the cardboard Philly fans, they’ll unfortunately be forced to remove them permanently and replace them with real life Philly fans.